My Dog Taught Me How To Stop Being Nice All the Damn Time

When we first found Juniper at the shelter, she seemed like she was only that goofball on the right: she was too-skinny, jumpy, affectionate and cuddly beyond reason.

She was a moose of a dog, not always graceful but loveable in what a good sport she always was.

I mean, this was a dog that startled herself with the noise of her own farts. She was hilarious.

Until one day, she found her growl.

And then she proceeded to practice it over and over: at an older gentleman who reached for her as we passed his table outside a coffee shop. At anyone presumptuous enough to ring the doorbell. At the sweet Party Doodle down the street who came in too hot for a hello.

And as a person who has historically had a lot of Pleaser in me, I didn’t much care for the growly version of my dog.

It felt … impolite. Aggressive. That teeth-snapping version of her was scary. It felt like it reflected badly on me, somehow. That she should want to please other people as much as I historically had.

“She’s just selective,” a dog trainer said, shrugging with the obviousness of it all, after we consulted her. “Just like you – you don’t like everyone you meet, do you?”

My pleaser wanted to answer: “I like almost everyone!” (Queue my own personal tail wag.)

But the version of me who is trying to shed my pleaser sat for a moment with that question.

And the really honest answer that emerged: not only do I not like everyone I meet, but some days, I don’t even “like” the people I love.

My growly version comes out even with them.

Here’s an example: let’s say I come up the stairs from my study and my partner is sitting at the kitchen table, taking a break (we both work from home). I can hear his phone, playing some replay from late-night TV or maybe a TikTok video.

I can hear him guffawing with laughter.

Some days, I might bound into the kitchen like that goofy dog that lives in me.

I might think: how lovely is it – is he – to want to giggle on any given day? How much do I admire his commitment to humor and lightness?

I want to watch what he’s watching. I want to giggle too.

But on a different day, I am dog number one: feeling my throat constrict into a low and menacing growl. The unintelligible words from his phone make me edgy. The noise steals my quiet.

And that version of me wonders – uncharitably – who is this 14-year-old version of my partner in the kitchen, laughing at some probably-dumb humor? I feel cringy and critical.

Like the snarling version of Juniper in the photo, I want to sink my teeth into something.

So, what gives? What is it that has us walk around with these two versions of ourselves (and likely more versions, as well)? How am I, like Juniper, the same dog on a different day?

Many people who identify as pleasers don’t much like that growly version of themselves. They are much more comfortable with acts of service, with sunshine, with things that work how they are supposed to.

And so, they put their snarl in a closet. And close the door. And try to lock it and throw away the key. I sure did.

But it’s still there, still lives inside of us – even if we have stuffed it into deep shadows.

And it oozes, making the pleaser’s constant niceness a bit suspicious.

We think, No one can be that nice. Or we wonder, what do they want in return?

But make no mistake: being a pleaser is a mask for what is real and lives inside us, whether we like it or not.

So, here’s what Juniper is teaching me:

If it’s true that Juniper can be a jerk – and I will love her anyway, can it also be true that sometimes I get to be a jerk – and I might still be able to love myself anyway?

Can I allow myself the truth of being people selective? And stop deluding myself that I love everyone?

Can I be open to the multiple versions of me, instead of only the one?

And while we are at it, geez … what other lessons does my dog have for me?

Hi, I’m Margaret Katz Cann, a writer and author, a coach and consultant. I focus on pleasers – and the long list other strategies we tried on and kept from childhood. And I help pleasers and all kinds of other people learn to raise more money for their dreams.